flip... FLOP!

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

Just when I thought MAYBE things were going to look up. I got home around 8:30 last night; I was out with Joe and his family for dinner. My mom had locked both doors and didn't seem to be home. We called her and she apologized and said that she had been at one of the neighbors houses. After my mom chatted up Joes mom, they left. Mom told me that she had had a little run in with "What's His Face" and that I had to go to my dads that night and maybe for the whole week. She was going to stay at a friends house and was going to go to COURT tomorrow! She also took my cell phone because what's his face had been texting me some things that he shouldn't have and she had to take it to court to show that judge. I'm not sure whether to be scared or relieved. I feeling a little bit of both, with some paranoia mixed it.
My muscles still ache from weight training on Tuesday so I'm skipping today and I'm just going to go home and run.
I don't really feel the same umph I usually feel to blog. When I read over my posts they don't seem to fit in with the earlier posts I've done.
I can't wait for winter break! I just want it to come already! We are going up to my Grandpa's in upstate NY!!! I get to help out at his winery and we get the best room at his B&B! I wish that we could stay longer... But I'll take the time that I can get :) I have to say that I didn't really like my Grandpa before. He always seemed hard and was always smoking/working on his computer all day. But we started talking on the phone and now I feel like I have a real Grandfather again! I'm so excited to go and visit! The only thing that could make it better is if Joe could be there. He was going to come with us but we have to leave Christmas morning and his mom wants him to stay home for that. Which I totally understand but it would still be nice if he could come...
Bell is about to ring.
More later.

POW!

"The Greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist."-The Usual Suspects

I know that I start out a lot of entry's this way but... So much has happened! I was going to type when all of that was going on but my computer just wasn't up for it IE: it wasn't working. The past two weeks I've gone from threatening someone to get out of my house, being screamed at for just trying to help, and feeling so bad that I thought maybe it would just be better if I ended it right then and there. I know that I can be mellow dramatic sometimes but if you could have just seen what I had been through... I'm not saying it's as bad as what some other people have gone through, but it was bad enough that I really thought that maybe it would hurt a lot less if I just "left." I am feeling much better now though and even though things are still in the sucky zone; I think it will turn around... I still feel like a terrible girlfriend... I wasn't going to talk about this because I think it will only make me feel worse but I just, I just need you to know. My boyfriend, and best friend forever, who I love more than anything on this earth, was hurting himself. I didn't really realize it until later on and I feel like my whole world has gone down in flames. The thing that makes it worse is that I knew that something was going on and I saw what was on his arms but I didn't do anything about it. Well now I have and I hope that everything gets better...
On another note, a much lighter one, remember the girl I was talking about that I was going to hang out with after school? Well I had a great time! And then we hung out again... Not such a great time. And we're going to hang out again... Ug. I don't mean to be mean but I just don't think that we're compatible. Like mac and pc on the commercials. Anyway, I apologize that this post wasn't like the usual post I do. Next time.
Over and out.

Typing to keep my hands busy

I'm just not really feeling quotes right now....

So sneaky!!!! Who would have guessed that the whole "gift card" thing is a total scam!? Well it IS! I don't know why this popped into my head but I just realized! That couple of dollars or few cents that you don't spend, the store gets to keep!!! That is truly how they make their money! Through our carelessness! So to all of you who read! If anyone actually does! Don't be lazy and get someone a gift card!!! And if you MUST, make sure to put a few odd cents on it!
On another note: today after school I am going to hang out with someone who I NEVER thought would want to hang out with me! I didn't even realize that she even thought about me now that we go to different schools. But she emailed me and asked if i wanted to hang out today and I said yes! I don't even really know why; this person hasn't really made a effort to know me and, until now, they have seemed to dislike me. What's going on?
Well anyway I'm in plus right now so I should probably get to my undone homework before the bell rings and I am forced to do math for an hour and a half. The horror.
More later.

Who's life is this here?!?!

A quote is suppose to go here... but I don't feel like typing one.

Ah! Have you ever felt like one day you woke up and the world just decided to start turning in the other direction? There are so many things going on! I feel like my brain was just flipped and I'm seeing my life through totally different eyes.

I knew that growing up would change my opinion of my parents, but who knew that there were secrets even in their closets? I've lived with these humans for 15 years and little did I know that they were pulling a fast one on me my whole existence. Mellow dramatic? I think not.

I went to a theripest the other day and she asked me if I'm lonely. The question took me by total suprise to be honest. I don't think I've ever really been lonely, not really anyway. I told her that even though I have friends at school I don't feel connected with them. It just doesn't feel the same, and then I thought about it more and even if I was back at my old school with old friends I still don't think I would feel any different. Has it been this way my whole life? I do have some close friends but not a lot. So, am I lonely? No. I can't really say that I am. Sad a little some times; but I've always been a pretty independent person. Is it ok to feel this way? At my age? Is it normal? I'm sure it is, but I just had to ask...

More later.

PARACHUTING my way to Kate Vogele!!!

"If gravity happens then I'll fasten wings to my shoes." -Kate Vougele

Wow wow wow wow!!!! Last night was AMAZING! Parachute AND Kate Vougele!!! I can't think of a more perfect way to spend a school night. Though the lack of homework in English class was surely missed, and most likely a "B" will appear on my Spanish quiz... it was way worth it! Pictures shall be posted of me with band members on Facebook as soon as possible! Ahhh, meeting my hero's really gives me the umph it keep writing and playing guitar. It's going to be me up on stage one day! Just you wait!
P.S....... SEXAPHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tired tired tiiiiiired!!

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. " -Newt Gingrich


Gosh, I'm not sure why I even started this post. I don't really have anything to say but the fact that I'm avoiding doing the ominous stack of homework in my backpack. Hmmmm...
I know it's weird, but I always thought that cows were born with teeth. Well, actually I had never really thought about it much until last weekend when I went to go visit some baby cows. All they wanted to do was suck on my hands. It was odd.
I'm so tired. I can't believe how tired I am. I not sure how I'm still awake. Ug! And today I just can't miss drivers ed! This is annoying. If it were any other day I would have just stayed home in bed. I'm just to tired to work on these assignments which have no end to them and don't seem to have a purpose. I'm to tired to try and be peppy for friends and laugh at jokes that really aren't that funny to begin with. I'm to tired to type! Please oh please oh PLEASE, just let me get through this long endless seeming day so I can go home and sleep! (After the ominous pile of homework of course).
Talked with an interesting old person this weekend. Cooked, and made-out with my amazing boyfriend. Now if only I could get an A in English!!!! I really don't understand how my favorite class became the class that I dread going to in the morning. Life can be a bitch sometimes... and I feel guilty for saying that, due to the fact that there are some many people out there with terrible lives and would envy me. It's just not fair.
What if I. I actually don't know what I was just about to say. I just kind of wanted to type that. I just looove typing. The way the keys sound when you press them down and the feel of my fingernails against the plastic... and then of course the feeling of accomplishment when I've finished typing something.
Five minutes till plus is over and I have to struggle to keep my eyes open on math problems that I don't think I'll ever use in a life time of real work outside of school. Now four minutes... gosh I'm tired. Whats his face isn't coming over this week. Thank God. Though like half his wardrobe is in our guest room at the moment. Three minutes. I'm a little hungry... I wonder if I could skip math and go to first lunch... no no, I know I can't. Two minutes. I saw the new Footloose last night :) I was really cool. I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't seen the first one yet, and I'm worried to tell Joe that. One minute. Because I know that he loves Footloose and I kind of made it sound like I saw the first one already. Woops. Alright... I should turn this off now... Ug. Well, wish me luck! Zero minutes.

It's late... This might not be worth reading... It's short, just read it anyway.

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.” ―Sylvia Plath,

Ok, i need help. I'm having paranoia in mood swings so fast it's giving me whiplash. Along with this paranoia, jealousy rears it's ugly head in my mind.

"What's His Face" is here again and I don't even want to talk about what he's done. All i can say is that I'm confused and angry at my mom... and i have the right to be! I feel like crying. Oh gosh, there's another mood swing. No, I'm not preggers! What would made you think that? Gosh! You people! Who am I talking to?

More on my oddness later.

Is anyone listening to me??!?!?!?

"Can a Mime
Make a rhyme?
Sure a Mime
Can make a rhyme.
But who would
Hear it?"
By Shirley Smothers

She does that THING.
The thing where she pretends to listen and value my opinion, but doesn’t. I don’t feel like I’m being heard at all
sometimes. Like MY words just go through
one ear and out the other. The “she” I’m
referring to, is my mother. The only
time she really “values my opinion” is when she needs something done for her
and I’m the only one that is around to help.
Yes, this is yet another post of what my English teacher would call “melodramatic,”
but these words are just coming from my head!
So I guess I’m just a melodramatic person! Get over it Miss ____.

Joe and I have made up!
I’ve decided that my freak-out episode was due to lack of sleep and my “end
of the month, lady problem.” But now he’s
gone (Joe, not my lady problem… a girl can only dream), off on a trip and will
not return until the end of this weekend.
Which I suppose is fine because I need to make time for my truly
neglected friends, homework, and the dreadful housework, which taunts me every
times I set foot in my room.

Oy guvult! I shouldn’t
have had that yummy yummy yummy coffee today.
I went to the doctors a little while ago and found out that I have this
heart thingy where it really hurts if I drink coffee or don’t sit up straight. Some shit about my sternum pressing up against
my heart… Something like that.

If anyone else out there is having “mommy troubles” please
contact me. We can bitch together (that
was a little harsh…) (NOT) (who asked you?) (fuck off dummy, I’m your brain!). Anyway, before I start talking to myself like
a mad person I’m ending this post.
Until later. Anyone?

Woops

"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..."

So yesterday I wrote almost two pages of me ranting and saying all these things that I would never tell anyone and I was just about to post it, but for some reason blogspot wasn't working so it didn't post and I was really pissed off about it, but today I'm really glad that it didn't post because I probably sounded like a mad woman! I'll tell you though, last night I totally had a mental breakdown. I don't know if it's because of the time of month or because of the season change, but I just totally broke down and sobbed for about an hour. I would like to think that this is normal.

I realized something this morning. I've been a selfish lately. I got into a fight with Joe yesterday and I was totally pissed off at him because I felt like he wasn't taking my feelings into consideration; but now that I think about it, it's ME that's not taking HIS feelings into consideration. You see, he just sold his house and his mom is kind of freaking out and putting a lot of pressure on him, plus they don't even know where they're going to live for the time being. I feel terrible for not thinking about that yesterday when I was upset with him. I didn't realize that he was going through a tough time. I hope that I can make it up to him somehow...

On another note: The quote I put up today, I've decided that I need to live by that more and if I do I'm pretty sure I'll become a happier person. Any thoughts?

Until later.

Ummm.... Sorry?

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.
-Dalai Lama

I can't remember the last time that i wrote a post and I'm sorry about that. A lot has happened I suppose and I'm not sure whether to be happy about it or not.
Yesterday was Halloween. "Joe" (I call him Joe because I'm not keen on sharing who this person is) and I didn't do much; watched scary movies, visited with neighbors, and handed out candy. We were going to visit this haunted house but Joe got sick out of the blue. Today Joe is going to the doctor to make sure that it isn't his appendix... I really hope it's not.
Something has been on my mind lately and if anyone has any incite at all on what the heck could be going on with my mind PLEASE comment or SOMETHING because I slightly feel like I'm going insane. Joe and I are so happy. I've waited 7 years to be with him and be as happy as I am now. I love him. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't think that I will ever want to be with anyone else. The thing is, Matt has been on my mind! I've had dreams about him and thoughts and I'm on the borderline of stalking him on FB! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON???? I know things ended badly and I haven't seen him since then.... and that's probably why these things have been going through my head; but it's maddening! I just want them to stop. Any ideas???
Yuck, B on my independent reading project... What a rip off. Actually if we're being honest I'm lucky to have gotten a B because I only worked a day on it. I did everything I was suppose to but I guess when it comes down to being honest, B was the best I could have gotten. Oh! I better get a good grade in English or my parents are going to flip! How can I get a bad grade on my supposedly favorite subject???
Oh! That reminds me, guuuuess what!!?!?! I'm in high school! XD Ha! take that!

Anyone else feeling holiday stress?

Eight Hours and I Miss You.

"All parts of the human body get tired eventually- execpt the tounge." -Konrad Adenauer


Eight hours... It's a good thing that music is pretty much my oxygen, otherwise I would I probably would have died in the car today.
Usually dad or Pat will drive us younger folk to camp, but this year my mother has decided to take on the challenge. As it turns out, that wasn't one of the best idea's in the world. She almost killed us! First- there was the looking at texts from "What's His Face," while driving. Then there was the, almost falling asleep at the wheel. And to top it all off... My mother and I just don't see eye to eye at most times.
I guess that this car experience is better than the other ones that I've had with mom... Last time we took a really long car ride together I ended up almost dying of a asthma attack, and because I deleted a photo on my camera, I got it taken away for well... I still haven't gotten it back. Actually, I think my dad broke it. Anywho...

Going to camp tomorrow. At a hotel at the moment. Very modern. I'm tired. Frusterated. And I miss you.

More later.

Karma, Maybe?

"Men may not get all they pay for in the world; but they must certainly pay for all they get." -Frederick Douglas

One. Year. Modeling. Contract............. Fuck. Yes!

Still sad.

Felt better.

Felt worse.

Now?

Limbo.


More to come.

Out with the old, in with the new

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -M. Kathleen Casey

I'm giving myself a week. One week to grieve, and then I'm done. Like the quote says above. It might hurt, but I'm not going to suffer through it. I'm going to move on and let go. "A heart break is a blessing from God. It's just his way of letting you realize he saved you from the wrong one." -Unknown. I'm so thankful for everyone that is helping me get through this. It's not as hard as I thought it was going to be, but in the same way, so much harder than I ever thought.

I got a new hair cut! I just need to change everything around! Out with old, in with the new. I got one of those new cuts that's kinda emo looking, but it doesn't really look that way on me. I also dyed a strip in the back pink. Plus I got one of those feathers that stays in your hair for like four months. It might sound like a strange hairdue but I assure you, it's awesome. This is my way of starting to let go. Take that!

When I get back from camp I'm throwing away almost all my old clothes and going vintage! I realized that the way I've been looking just isn't me. I've been so caught up in trying to make everyone like me and be like everyone else, I almost forgot that I am my own person with my own opinions and style. Yet another way of just letting go of an old school and an old me. Just you wait world! Here I come!!!

Over and out.

I'm getting there

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

Things are getting better thanks to my great friends. I'm trying not to think about it so much which helps, but when I'm alone and have nothing to do, I can't help but let it slip back into my mind.

My bellybutton is healing finally and it looks awesome! I can't wait to change the stud.

I'm going to get my hair done today. There is like this feather thing that you can put in it and it stays in for a month and you wash it and stuff! I can't wait it's going to look so awesome.

I leave for camp on the 9th! I'll return on the 7th I think... I'm really going to miss everyone. Especially this one person. Lets call him Joe. (Don't judge me after yesterday, I'm dealing.)

More to come.

It's over and I'm not ok

"If you love something set it free. If it comes back it's yours, if not it wasn't meant to be."

We just broke up... I figer blogging about it might help. I really loved him and I guess I still do and will always. I mean we've almost made it through a whole year.
You know, it's so much easier to be hate someone then to miss them and feel the pain.
We hadn't seen eachother in three weeks and barely talked because we were both away doing Summer things. I wish we could have gotten together one more time just so... I don't know. UGGG! I feel like my insides are pushing their way through my skin! I don't ever want to be in another relaionship again!!!
How is it ok to hurt this much?

What's his face

"Brain research tells us that only 20% of human beings have a sense of irony, which means that 80% of the world takes everything at face value." -Doug Coupland

And so What's His Face was born... Ok, so his given name is Sandy. But really, who names their kid after something that is so uncomfortable? Is he beautiful? Yes. Do I care? No. She likes him though. Mom has fallen head over heals for a man with an uncomfortable name, which I can't remember to save a cow. Ere go, What's His Face was born.

School, SChool, SCHool, SCHOol, SCHOOl, SCHOOL...

"There is so much I still don't know about the world, and yet I'm asked to make all these decisions." -ME! (as in the person that is writing this blog)

BAHHH, school is out!!! :( I miss it already. Now I have to go to a different school with weird people who I don't know! I dislike all of this very much. And the worst of it all is that my boyfriend is going to a school one hour away... So, like right near his house -.- Bah.

I'm at the beach right now and finally have gotten ridden of that awful tan line I had from soccer! Yay! Ok, I guess there is an up side to the Summer after all. That, and I'm going to camp soon. FMC! AKA, Friends Music Camp! A Quakerly camp in Ohio for people of almost all ages who can play an instrument! Raise da roof my peeps!

So let me get this strait... People EAT bear tongues?

More later.

I want you to want me

"I want you to want meeee, I need you to need meeee...." -Cheap Trick

Some men are just dumb bricks. I'm not saying all of them (most), but some just really don't deserve our time of day.
I have this boyfriend. No, he's not a dumb brick (most of the time). We've been going out about 7 months now, which isn't bad at all for our age. We get along 97% of the time, + he's an amazing kisser. I doubt the boy has ever had a case of dry lips in his life! The thing is... (Yes, there is a but, there always is and there always will be. Get use to it or fuck off.) I don't seem to be his... Everything? Yes, I know that sounds like I'm full of myself and mean and self-centered, but for once I want a guy to just wake up and think of me. To WANT to spend time with me whenever he gets the chance. I want a guy who holds my hand, puts his arm around me, and TALKS to me! Cheap Trick really said it all with their song, "I want you to want me," it really is as simple as that.
I know it seems like a lot, but sometimes I just want a love so pure that even the moon itself looks down apon us with envy.
Are you suppose to marry your bestfriend? I don't think so. I mean that would be... I don't know... Weird? Or maybe it's just suppose to be like that. But I don't think I could ever feel that same kind of love I feel for a boyfriend, for my bestfriend. BAH! I'm to young to think about this crap...

On another topic, I went to the whole model talent thing and it was pretty cool. I had a photoshoot and this Saturday I'm going to go through a talent and runway competition, which will be easy and fun! :) Well, I mean it will be easy but I'm sure other people with more experience will be a lot better than me. But I'll have fun, and that's all that counts.
More later.

A passion for fashion!

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." -Ingrid Bergman

The first time the talent search people called me I said no. The second time I said no. The third time, they called mom and I finally said yes. Yesterday I got interviewed, walked the runway, and memorized a commercial then said it out loud. All of this of course in front of 100 people. I didn't expect much. I've gone through this before and it turns out all they want is money. But this time they said that they wanted me to be in a fashion show and do a photo shoot. I was ready to turn it down because they wanted me to pay for the photos, but dad said that it was fine, that the portfolio was really nice and being in the fashion show would give me practice to sing and play guitar in front of people (there is also a talent part in the show). So tomorrow I go for my photo shoot... Ok, this could be fun. I did some work for my moms friends for some ad thing a while back, but... I don't know. The talent people (Robin & others) are going to send my photos and a movie of me walking the runway and singing to over 50 potential clients. I don't expect much but you never know. Everyone has to start somewhere.
I'll keep you updated... Anyone?
More later.

Second day in a hellish place with hellish people

"I'm a big woman. I need big hair." -Aretha Franklin

Today I spent over three hours on a bus with little kids screaming their heads off. I only found solitude while listening to my ipod, which after the first hour and a half ran out of charge. After about five minutes of actually having to hear the wails coming from those little monsters, I was ready to pull the emergency exit lever and hurl myself out the window. In the end though I just tried my hardest to fixate on an old paperback which I decided last minute to throw into my bag before being hauled off to school. If I have to listen to those screeches again tomorrow I don't even think Pink Floyd will be able to keep me from bashing those kids heads against the window. Please don't take this ranting the wrong way. I love kids. In fact I want to be a teacher when I get older (as hard as that may be to believe). I usually have a lot more tolerance, but it's that time of month and the last of the Midol has run out.

Going over to dads tonight. Mom is leaving for New York to visit Grandpa. We're not sure how much longer he's going to stick around. I don't really know how that makes me feel. He never has been the most affectionate person in the world, which probably wouldn't even change on his death bed, but I know he loves me.

One more thing, what business do the movie producers have making a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean without Orlando Bloom!?!?!?!?!

More later.

First Of All...

"Whether you believe you can do a thing or believe you can't-you are right." -Henry Ford

This blog is about my life (bare with me), and other random things that just pop into my head. I'm going into high school next year and decided to give this whole blogging thing a try. I probably wont get to posting every day, but if you don't have anything to do and need a few moments now and then to focus on something other than your own life, go ahead and read this...

Classes have ended for me. I have three weeks left of school before I get a full three months of Summer vacation. Today, we went to go see some "self taught artiest." I think I would have found it more interesting if I'd gotten more than five hours of sleep the night before. Well, maybe not. I'm not that into folk art. Though I did get a new CD by Shannon O'Connor, which is amazing. :)

What's the name of that red-headed judge on TV? What a bitch! I can't tell if she's brilliant or just a tough ass! Can someone please try and explain to me what the heck could be going through her mind?

More later.